The 3 Common Misconceptions about Eating Disorders the almost killed me.

This is an incredibly hard thing for me to write about but it is also something that I believe to be extremely important that we do talk about, as it is only through people sharing their experiences that misconceptions can be changed. There is still an incredibly fixed image and stereotype that surrounds the perception of Eating Disorders, one that for me was only shattered by first hand experience. As I hope this is not something that most will experience I wanted to share the ideals and beliefs about eating disorders that I now know to be completely wrong.

1) Weight does not define an eating disorder, actions do. An eating disorder is not what you look like.  If a constant preoccupation with food is more important to you than all other aspects of your life, if you are anxious and upset by thinking about your weight or shape, if you are unable to engage in normal behaviours such as grocery shopping, eating meals in public, or exercising without causing major anxiety, it’s more than just a diet. Eating Disorders are not only serious when you are emaciated.  The stereotype of a walking skeleton that we associate with Eating Disorders fails to recognize 3 major groups of people;

·      Those whose disordered eating consists of both binging and purging behavior, the constant battle between over-eating and starving more often than not results in a stable weight while still destroying a persons physical health.

·      Those whose eating disorder consists of uncontrolled eating, over-eating and bingeing behaviours with no desire to purge or restrict after. (FYI Binge-Eating disorder is currently the no.1 eating disorder diagnosed in the UK)

·      Those who develop an eating disorder when they are overweight to begin with.  If a person develops classical signs of anorexia, bulimia or EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) when they are a normal weight to begin with we recognize this as disordered and react with concern. If a person develops these signs when they are overweight to begin with they are congratulated on getting ‘healthy’ and even promoted as a success story.

Unfortunately for me I fit into all 3 of these categories at one stage or another, and I never once was considered clinically underweight, but my eating disorder was killing me as much at 18 stone as it was at 10 stone.  I experienced a whole spectrum of disordered eating, uncontrollable urges to eat when I was stressed or upset that lead to massive weight gain, the knee-jerk reaction to this that lead me to live on 400kcal a day for months and lose all the weight, and then what came after when I couldn’t cope with the idea of eating normal portions again and began to feel like anything I ate was too much and turned to purging. This is when things got scary, this is when I realized I needed help, but only after I began treatment for Bulimia Nervosa did I even consider that I had been in trouble for much longer than I had thought.  I too was living with the belief that I was not thin enough and therefore not sick enough to need help.

2) Eating disorders can happen to anyone at any time. Not only can people of all sizes experience disordered eating but so can all sexes, all  skin colours, and all backgrounds. They are not a rich white girl problem. They do not only happen to those who are weak, They are not always a result of trauma, or family problems, or abuse. I have a distinct memory of a poster that used to be on the back of the bathroom stalls in the bathroom at Vet School when I was in 1^st year that said ‘We all know someone with an eating disorder” and quoted statistic about the occurrence rate of 1 in 4 in the UK, and I remember thinking that can’t be true; I don’t know anyone.  I had a complete sense of this being the kind of thing that happened to ‘other’ people, not smart, independent and by all accounts successful people like me. I now look at my facebook friend list and see a dozen fellow sufferers, and that’s just the people whose stories I know, not the people who are still battling in silence. Several of which are people who I now know to be stronger and more inspirational than I ever could have imagined. Eating disorders are inherently silent, even in recovery it is hard to talk about, that part of you can only thrive in the darkness so it pushes you away from your family and friends, encourages you to lie to them as much as you are lying to yourself.

3) Eating disorders are not a phase, and they are not a choice. Its not about getting attention, its not about getting control, and it is more than just “not eating to be skinny”. It is a mental illness that will not resolve on its own.  It is not just skipping a meal or wanting to lose a few pounds, it is not about willpower or strength. It is a part of you that controls your entire life and drains you both mentally and physically.  This is something that I struggled with a lot personally, the biggest lie my eating disorder ever told me was that I didn’t have an eating disorder, I was in control, I was “strong enough to keep to 400 calories” and it “wasn’t my fault that I felt sick after eating”.  I believed I could stop whenever I wanted and that I would be happy when I hit that ever shrinking ‘goal weight’, I believed it was a choice up until the day I was hospitalized for tears to my oesophagus and after I was tube fed all I could think was that I needed to get the food out of me. I have never been less in control of anything in my entire life, I did not choose to have an eating disorder, but I did choose to begin recovery.  Recovery too holds a lot of misconceptions, as Marya Hornbacher says in her book Wasted  “It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. There is no ‘cure’. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto Therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much Stronger”. I began treatment in 2015 and was discharged as a patient of the Cullen centre last month. That is how long it has taken for me to make significant progress, and even now as I am considered ‘recovered’ I am aware that it is not a steady state. There will be days where old habits creep back in, there will be failures and that is OK.

I know that many people will read this and not really give it a second thought, I know that for many people these concepts will remain as not their problem, and I truly hope that it remains that way as I wouldn’t wish what I experienced on my worst enemy. But if anyone is reading this that is hearing alarm bells, for yourself or for someone you love I hope it is helpful. And if you are suffering right now please know that you are worthy of recovery,  you do not need to be sicker to be sick enough.